March 2009 seems to be career change month. I’ll be starting a new job in April, while quite a few people I know are either quitting or planning to – as soon as they get a gig lined up, of course. One dude, G, is being pretty brave and sent in his resignation without securing another position.

Traditional advice is to get another job before leaving your current one. From my experience it really isn’t the best thing to do. When your job takes more from you than you can afford – endangering your physical or mental wellbeing or impeding your personal growth, move on.

The longer you stay in a bad situation, the harder it is to leave. One girl I know dithered about leaving her unfulfilling job because she didn’t want to take a paycut to change industries. Some sacrifices are justified. Maybe you’ll have a lower salary now, but if the new gig is a better fit, the tradeoffs will be worth it in the long run. Said girl still isn’t truly happy (she is the perennially dissatisfied sort)but at least she’s happier.

Some people assumed I left journalism for the money. I’ll be frank – at my current job I took a minor paycut though upon confirmation, my salary would be bumped up significantly by a cool half grand.

So why am I leaving then? Because I realised that though working from home is ideal for some, right now I need structure and people around me. There were days when I thought I would go mad from the lack of interaction in my daily routine. I prayed for guidance, for strength, for reassurance. So when a door opened unexpectedly and unlooked for, I took a chance.

It wasn’t about the money. It never is, for me. The job, the environment, the people, the projects I’ll be involved with all matter. When it came time for me to decide whether a move was the right thing, I prayed as I always did: “If this is what You want for me, open the door. Else shut it firm and keep me from harm.”

I believe that God doesn’t always give you what you want, but He will, if you trust Him enough, give you what you need. That you don’t provide for yourself – He does, by giving you the means, the strength, the help or the company. And in the darkest of times, He is not absent. He is right there, with you, hearing you and helping you understand that life may not be the scripted fairytale we want but hope is always there. Hope in His love, His guidance, His compassion.

So to my friends beginning new journeys, I wish you all the best. May you find comfort and guidance whichever path you take, however terrifying it might be. As my friend S says, “Jump first, fear later!”

Tha Crossroads – Bone, Thugs-n-Harmony

I hate walking away from anything. Because I believe in finishing things, in holding on until it hurts too much to go any further.

Sometimes, though, you have to be honest with yourself and everyone involved when you realise the stakes, and the price, is too high for you to pay. It’s only March and already I’m starting over, ending one adventure and changing direction in another.

It’s hard to swallow my pride and admit to myself that I just wasn’t the best fit for a role. But I guess it’s better I admit it, open the door that’s suddenly opened for me and leave room for more worthy successors. I see the writing on the wall and it’s telling me “There is where you should be, not here.” A path is laid out for me to walk on and I see now that its beginnings had been laid so much earlier.

In work and in love, sometimes you just have to understand that you’re not “The One”. You might have been a good candidate, but not the best candidate. And it works both ways.  Sometimes an employer, or a lover, might keep you around because you fill a space. But at the back of their minds, no matter how hard you try to fill that space, you can’t take the place of an ideal that you aren’t.

I’m afraid.

I’m excited.

I’m sure.

Take all of your wasted honor
Every little past frustration
Take all your so called problems
Better put ‘em in quotations
Say what you need to say (x7)
Say what you need to saaaay…

Walking like a one man army
Fighting with the shadows in your head
Living out the same old moment
Knowing you’d be better off instead
If you could only
Say what you need to say (x7)
Say what you need to saaay…

Have no fear
For giving in
Have no fear
For giving over
You better know that in the end
It’s better to say too much
Then never to say what you need to say again
Even if your hands are shaking
And your faith is broken
Even as the eyes are closing
Do it with a heart wide open… wide…
Say what you need to say (x7)
Say what you need to
Say what you need to
Say what you need to say…

When overtaken by arrogance, I often make fun of the small-minded and people unable to grasp either the big picture or possibilities.

But I am guilty of another sin – not being able to live in the present. Everything in my life is so scripted. Uptight, wound tightly, defensive to the point I snap, revealing that my supposed easygoing nature masks my inner control freak.

It’s hard dancing to a song when you’re not listening to the beat, not letting the music envelop you. We’re all guilty of ignoring the song that’s playing and instead wondering what will play next, what tune to recommend to the DJ  or whether maybe you/your brother/your musician friend could do a better job of it.

Perhaps it wasn’t coincidence I stumbled upon Katie Goodman’s “Improvisation for the Spirit". A self-help book utilising the tools of improv comedy? Pretty novel, I thought and it didn’t hurt the price was marked down at the MPH Warehouse sale.

Goodman describes the first four skills of improv thus:

1. You must be present and listen carefully

2. The pink elephant rule: don’t negate

3. Affirm and add

4. Always be willing to surrender your plans

The second rule stirred feelings of guilt. How often had I shot down ideas without fully listening to them? Ignored thought and just dismissed ideas out of hand without at least giving the person some due consideration?

I suppose one reason people choose to remain ignorant is the truth that the more you know, the more painfully aware you become of how little you actually do know. The process of learning is becoming, for me, a mirror reflecting back my shortcomings.

If I’m still a work in progress, I dread how much work there is yet to be done.

The most dissatisfied people I know always seem to be complaining about the things they have to do as opposed to what they want to do.

Sometimes it’s as innocuous as getting in at work early when all you really want to do is sleep in.

It’s not pleasant being torn between two different, opposing directions. My biggest conflict at my previous job was feeling as if I was serving Mammon when I wanted to serve God.

Where is the middle ground? How do you resolve your ideals and the practicalities of day-to-day living?

I guess in the end it boils down to priorities. Narrowing things down, deciding what I really want.

Sometimes it’s just a matter of wanting what you have got, instead of longing after what you haven’t.

I don’t always find that happy medium; a lot of times I am just as dissatisfied as the unhappy people I see.

But there are days I come so close. My heart feels lighter and despite the weariness of my body, I feel an indescribable ease of soul.

To be, and be happy just to be. Right here, where I am, who I am. Until tomorrow comes and I feel the need to kick myself into doing better. When the deadlines come piling up, the obligations start weighing on my consciousness, or old antagonists remind me they exist.

But right now I feel as though I am just one wing’s breadth short of flying.  Almost, but not quite, perfectly content.