Earnestly, Erna

Archive for March 2009

You’ll always be my hero, Pa

March 16, 2009 Personal 3 comments

Today is my father’s 58th birthday. Of all the men I’ve ever known, he’s always been the yardstick I measure anyone of them by.

And no one really quite measures up.

My father writes poetry, taught himself BASIC, C and woodworking. He longed to play violin when he was a child but couldn’t afford it. He ended up finally getting a violin in his middle age and teaching himself. He’s actually a talented flute and keyboard player and speaks four languages.

Sometimes I feel outgeeked by my father. He now blogs avidly, writes better than I could aspire to (and I have two so-called writing awards), and thinks Google Chrome is awesome. He introduced me to Star Wars, the IBM PC, comic books, Tolstoy and Wilde.

He’s been the Postmaster General and his former staff still speak of him glowingly. Despite the fatc that Dad’s always been a restless vagabond and had a different job written for each of our birth certificates. In many ways, I’m my father’s daughter. Always with a finger in a different pie, mad about books, inflexible when it comes to work ethics and unabashedly romantic.

I was mad about the last guy I dated because for the first time, I met someone who reminded me of my dad. But like my father, he was, emotionally, a difficult and oft-inaccessible book. And I’m the type who will tackle a complex book without giving up, struggling through verbosity, obscure references and murky metaphors. Though that book is closed to me forever, the pages of my father’s heart are open to me now.

Knowing my father loves me, having him tell me so, is probably one of the most precious things I’ve ever received. Thank you, Pa, for helping me to value the things you can’t buy with money more than anything else in the world. I’ll never be ashamed to say that I am my father’s daughter. And I love you as much today as I did when I was a child who thought her father was the best-looking, smartest and best father in the world.

I remember, Pa, pretending to be so tired and lying in the car with my eyes shut. And you carried me out, thinking I was sleeping. I wouldn’t have opened my eyes then for anything.

Love you, Pa.

What kind of fool am I

March 15, 2009 Music, Musings No comments

No, not an emo post. Just an old song that’s been covered by Frank Sinatra, Sammy Davis Jr. and, funnily enough, James Brown. It’s from the musical Stop The World – I Want To Get Off.

The musical’s rather tragic – the main character searches for an elusive happiness that drives him to find solace in the arms of many a woman. But in the end, he finds that what he wants he had all along in the love of his wife.

Aren’t we all fools sometimes? Without the wisdom of discernment, hanging on to the unnecessary and letting the important slip through our fingers. I’m good at dishing out annoying unsolicited advice, but I’m always a fool when it comes to love. My career path has been just as tumultuous as my affairs of the heart, but I wouldn’t change a thing. If even the smallest thing changed, I might not know the people I do now or done the things I’d never imagined doing.

One painful lesson I’ve learned is that sometimes you do get what you want, and it isn’t what you imagined it to be at all. That it can sometimes hurt you more than it gives you joy. Or sometimes you find the joy was an illusion and the reality more painful than you ever imagined.

I’ve learned that I don’t have all the answers, that I can’t always go it alone. But if I trust and believe in the One who does have all the answers, I’ll find them. And if I don’t, that’s OK too.

What kind of fool am I
Who never fell in love
It seems that I’m the only one that I have been thinking of

What kind of man is this?
An empty shell
A lonely cell in which an empty heart must dwell

What kind of lips are these
That lied with every kiss
That whispered empty words of love that left me alone like this

Why can’t I fall in love
Like any other man
And maybe then I’ll know what kind of fool I am

What kind of clown am I?
What do I know of life?
Why can’t I cast away the mask of play and live my life?

Why can’t I fall in love
Till I don’t give a damn
And maybe then I’ll know what kind of fool I am

Sad, uncomfortable truths about singlehood

March 15, 2009 Musings One comment

I usually make merciless fun of all those relationship books I see in the market. “The Rules”, “Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus” and all that ilk annoy me. But I ended up reading Unhooked Generation: The Truth About Why We’re Still Single and it’s given me a lot to think about. Unlike other books and their quasi-research, author Jillian Strauss has actually put a lot of thought and study into the reasons why so many singles are single…even if they don’t want to be.

I like how filly.ca’s review sums up the uncomfortable truths contained in the book thus:

“Straus explores how we long for ‘the one’ yet approach dating in a ‘multiple-choice society’ where we believe that relationships should be immediate and are replaceable. We embrace casual sex and live in a society that treats sex as a commodity, and as a result undermine what sex with ‘the one’ could be. Men and women try to balance both traditional gender roles and the more egalitarian roles of today and end up with totally unrealistic expectations.”

The reviewer’s mother gives one bit of advice which makes more sense of any of “The Rules”: “You don’t find someone that fits your life. You find someone and figure out how you make it work for both of you.”

Reading the book, it’s easy to recognise the patterns a lot of us end up in. I see them in myself and the many still-singles I know. I saw that in the last guy I dated, who I realised later was pretty much emotionally unavailable.

“I’ll see you when I see you.” Earth to Erna, Commitmentphobe alert.

I guess the reasons why a lot of us serial-date is because we’re afraid we’ll be stuck with a no-hoper like that. But all these lonely people playing the field, never committing and always keeping an eye out for someone better…it’s sad. Sex and the City sad. You know Carrie wants to find The One but No One is ever good enough. Whine whine Ooh pretty shoes whine whine. That’s Carrie. And she’s the role model for women everywhere? Good grief. No wonder we all need books to get our love lives sorted.

While I don’t believe you should settle for someone abusive, emotionally retarded, or a douchebag, I also don’t believe that you should date around just because you can. You meet someone, find a little bit more about that person, hang out and see if something develops. If it doesn’t, move on. If you don’t give anything of yourself at all to a relationship, then how can you expect for it to develop at all? But if you’re the only one giving, walk. Just walk.

It would be nice to meet someone, but until I do, there’s little to complain about right now. I’m making a career change, getting involved with the theatre, spending time with good people, and finally being comfortable with my faith and who I am. And thankfully, I’m not spending any of my time watching Sex and the City. Manolo Blahniks are overrated anyway.

Why I’m not missing journalism

March 14, 2009 Journalism, Public Relations No comments

Image by moohappy via Flickr

My third month into PR, and I’ve already been asked if I missed journalism.

I miss the people I worked with – four years of sharing tough times and crazy times (like almost getting killed in a bus crash) does leave you feeling attached.

I miss having people around me; it gets lonely sometimes, just me and my computer.

But I don’t miss practicing journalism in Malaysia. If you look at it as a day job – churn copy, submit before deadline, collect your pay then maybe it’ll feel like a job like any other. If you care about what you write, if you have ideals about standards, truth, and telling a really good story then prepare to be constantly waging battles you’ll more often lose than win.

Unfortunately writing isn’t really respected in this country. The perception is that anyone can write. Why hire professionals? Yes, maybe you can write but can you write well? That makes all the difference.

When I joined PR, my German friend, Rolf, laughed and congratulated me on joining the ranks of professional liars.

When you’re a tech reviewer in Malaysia, you get used to being called a liar. The perception was that we would write good reviews for our advertisers. Million dollar question: was that true? I can honestly say I never lied about a product, and never said I liked it if I didn’t.

But reviewers weren’t allowed to ever ‘slam’ a product. Still, if they had any reservations, they had to write their misgivings as opinion and not present it as fact. “In other words, hedging-lah,” my deputy said. I answered, “No it’s being diplomatic.” And if we ever encountered a product of extreme sucktitude, we politely told clients, “We don’t think this measures up to the standards of your previous offerings so it really doesn’t do your brand justice.” And declined to review it. Oh yeah, I was getting lots of PR practice with The Mag.

In PR, the goal is to get the message across. Perception of said message, unfortunately, is not something we can always control. People have minds but what PR does is to ensure the message the client wants out is the message that actually does come out.

“This is who we are and this is what we’re saying.” Succinctly, that is what PR is communicating about and for clients.

Interestingly, Text 100’s put out a release on a study that claims PR is more powerful than advertising in building brands.

“The findings of the Media Prominence Study, which calculates brand value based on Interbrand’s 2008 Best Global Brands report, show that on average 27 percent of brand value is tied to how often the brand name appears in the press. In industries that involve more research before purchases are made, public relations can account for nearly half of brand value. For example, in the computing industry, media prominence accounted for 47 percent of brand value, or 16 times that of the personal care industry.

This study underscores the importance of managing and growing brand value through public relations efforts during a recession. The more complex a product is to a buyer, the more likely they are to research the product category and to look for information they can trust – from editorial content rather than advertisements.”

And here’s a note from Poynter.org’s Butch Ward on switching from journalism to PR:

“While I’m never happy to learn that people are leaving journalism — especially when the decision is made for them — I’m now able to reassure them that their abilities to write, to gather and to organize information, and to think analytically, will serve them well in the business world.

And, I can assure them one other thing: PR — like journalism — can be a very honorable way to spend one’s life.”

So far, I’ve been lucky enough to find that it’s true.

I want you to be happy

March 12, 2009 Writing No comments

Perhaps my mind is just taking a break from all the ‘corporate’ writing, but I’m drawn more to putting music and lyrics together now.

One refrain keeps playing in my mind right now, and I’m glad I recorded it months back:

I want you to be happy
I want you to be free
I want you to love someone
We both know it can’t be me

It’s just my putting into words the complexities I’ve dealt with in some friendships. Too often, I slide into non-platonic relationships, when I really should have just stayed friends. Problem is once I’ve done the whole ‘more than friends’ thing, it’s hard to go back to the way things were before – when there were no messy hangups, misunderstandings, or emotional entanglements that just make things harder than they should be.

And sometimes I get so emotionally close to someone of the opposite sex, that other people get confused. The more I protest there’s nothing going on, the more they insist something is. You just can’t win, eh?

Have ran the lyrics and music by a friend; he says lyrically he likes that what comes through is ‘honest and true’. I was a little afraid that the results would come out sounding far too personal or revealing but I’ll leave that to the friend I’m writing the song for to decide. Now to move on to the next tune!

Why I won’t work past 11pm

March 10, 2009 Musings No comments

A friend asked on Facebook: “Which is more important? Wealth or health?”

I was frank and told him that if he ignored the latter, he’d be in no position to chase the former. But in our current economic situation, I see even more employers squeezing their employees dry and leaving them useless husks. What do you do with husks? You throw them away.

We enslave ourselves to our employers, groveling, scraping and ruining our health to bring in the paycheck. But when you fall ill from countless nights of late work, from long bouts of stress, from poor food and little sleep, will you call on your employer…or will you call on God?

To quote George Monbiot, “You know you have only one life. You know it is a precious, extraordinary, unrepeatable thing: the product of billions of years of serendipity and evolution. So why waste it by handing it over to the living dead?”

I’m making a very conscious effort to be in bed by 12am, 1am at the latest. Some may say that I’m being idealistic or impractical. I tell them “Are you going to pay for my doctor’s bill or hold yourself responsible for the MC I’m going to need?” When I was younger, I could burn the midnight oil and stay up until 5am, sleeping for two hours before heading off to work. I can’t do that anymore. And I won’t. Whatever needs getting done, will get done, in the day, when I am sane, alert and propped up by a lot of coffee.

So when other people try to guilt me about the poor souls working late nights and being ‘productive’, I snap at them and say “Go to any old folks home and ask them about their rheumatism, their arthritis, their aches and pains. None of them will tell you they wished they slept less when they were younger.”

Sleep is not for the weak. It is for those who realise that, one day, they will be.

Thomas Merton said it best

March 9, 2009 Faith, Personal No comments

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MY LORD GOD, I have no idea where I am going.
I do not see the road ahead of me.
I cannot know for certain where it will end.
Nor do I really know myself, and the fact that I think that I am following your will does not mean that I am actually doing so.
But I believe that the desire to please you does in fact please you.
And I hope I have that desire in all that I am doing.
I hope that I will never do anything apart from that desire.
And I know that if I do this you will lead me by the right road though I may know nothing about it.
Therefore will I trust you always though I may seem to be lost and in the shadow of death.
I will not fear, for you are ever with me, and you will never leave me to face my perils alone.
- Thomas Merton, "Thoughts in Solitude"

It shames me that I keep forgetting to put God in the centre, above all concerns. When I had two chances to serve in January, I turned them away, mistakenly thinking that what was served on a silver platter was what I needed.

Dear God, why am I deaf to what you tell me? Why do I hear only what I want to hear? Why do I make decisions based on my wanton desires, my injurious ego, my misplaced pride? In short, I’ve been selfish, self-absorbed and really, not much more than a glorified pissant.

I asked the wrong questions; I heard the wrong answers. So many times, my paralysis from indecision could have been solved if I’d thought to myself: “What would You have me do?”

So I’m writing this here for all to read in the hopes that maybe I’ll remember more times than not to put you first.

I recall that scene in Return of the King where Faramir asks his father, “What would you have me do?” But I know that if I ask that of You, you would not throw away my life with no care, or little thought for it unlike Faramir’s patriach. The paths you could send me on might perhaps be dangerous, hard or lonely but I would rather walk them than spend an eternity without You. So take off my earmuffs, remove my blinders, and take my hand. Because I’m still here, still waiting for you as You have waited for me.

Reboot, refresh, rethink

March 8, 2009 Personal One comment

One thing I like about hosting my own website – poof! I can make all my entries disappear. Yes, I now have a spanking new layout again: a slightly modified version of Jim Ramsey’s Mid-Century theme.

I’ve unpublished my posts of the last few months. There’s just something I feel missing. In January, things were great, I felt (mostly) fine but by February the highs were replaced by physical and emotional lows. Now, March is coming and I’m taking a step back to reassess where I am now.

Is this where I want to be? Is this who I want to be? Am I taking the easier route instead of pushing for what I really want?

And what the heck do I want, anyway?

I’ve had to take a long, hard look at what I’m truly passionate about. And I think I can say that as far as my vocation goes, at heart I’m always going to be a writer. A wordsmith, as Irene puts it. I have many interests – theatre, music, technology – but what I do best is write.

Does this mean I want to go back to the world of journalism? No. But perhaps I would like to teach the world to write better. Because right now, I see tripe front, left and centre. I see it in the news, in emails, in press releases…but blogs, well, you have to live with crap blog writing. But it sure made it easy to point and laugh at a writer I knew who blogged in SMS-speak. Like how is anyone supposed to take you seriously when you sound like this on your blog: “I thot dat my article wuz gud and didn’t nid edting even if dere wuz a 30 wurd sentence wid 7 semicolons and 5 clauses.”

I remember being a young wannabe writer and having to endure the more ‘senior’ ones bemoaning how ‘green’ the newer ones were. If I was half as snarky then as I am now, I would have said “I don’t see you doing anything about it!”

Maybe it’s time I did do something about it.

Sometimes to see, you must go blind

March 2, 2009 Musings No comments

I am sitting here typing on my tiny Eee PC because my desktop PC’s hard disk has died on me. So has, unfortunately, my newly-installed Streamyx line.

And to think people keep exhorting me to get Streamyx when I know, and they know, it patently sucks. To top it all off, my left eye is red, swollen and so sensitive, I’ve resorted to keeping it closed. Yes, my computer, my DSL and my left eye all don’t work for me right now.

It’s forced me to think about a lot of things – the unhealthy amount of time I spend at my computer. Yes, I have a job that requires me to be at my home PC but I don’t have to be too sedentary. I’m getting chest pains and I think my muscles have begun to atrophy. I’ve cut down on all my other projects outside of HMMW. Not without some regret, I admit.Why have any projects at all, some ask. Because to have no life outside work – it’s sad. Your job should never own you. “But it puts money on the table!” Wrong. I believe God does.

But so I don’t feel like I’m going out of my mind, I’m plonking out tunes on my keyboard. It is strangely satisfying. You can’t think of anything else – not my job, not the show, not even my darn rabbits – when trying to get my fingers to collaborate. The other beauty of it is I can’t think too hard. The harder I force it, the more I strain, the more likely I’ll flub the tune.

So I need to work on my work/life balance. Pray more. Discipline myself to do my Pilates/Ashtanga and not let my muscles atrophy. Get on that damn bicycle.Sing because I miss it, because I need it.

And now my body demands (despite forcing me to sleep the entire morning) I continue to pay back all the sleep debt I owe. Good night.

That old burning feeling

March 1, 2009 Music, Personal No comments

I sense a flu or high fever coming on.

I blame the damnable weather. Came home today from a morning-long gathering, after stopping at Kinokuniya for a bit. Slept from 3.30 to 8.30 and woke up feeling not refreshed, but worse. I suppose it came from lack of sleep, a terminably hot morning and afternoon followed by cold, cold rain in the evening.

But I did take a little time to muck with the 4-octave Yamaha synth my brother brought over. It’s a fun little thing, an ancient PSS-470. Not the best thing to be learning on, due to its smaller keys, but I’ll probably upgrade down the road once I can afford it. It’ll mean relearning finger placement once I get full-sized keys but right now am taking time to learn note positions and beef up my music learning. I can read the treble clef passably; the bass clef eludes me right now.

So when I do get a full-sized keyboard, at least it’ll be more a matter of getting used to the large keys, relearning finger positions and functions. I don’t intend to be a full-fledged pianist. Music-wise, I’m a singer first, a lousy guitarist second but hopefully a passable keyboardist in…two years? I’m a slow learner at anything needing hand-eye co-ordination.

Which makes my getting a bicycle seem idiotic. Why didn’t I use the money and get a decent keyboard instead? Because I already have a guitar. Because I need the exercise. It’s cheaper than a gym membership. And it’s getting less safe for me to walk around to the places I usually do, like the 7-11, the mamak, my laundromat. Getting a car right now isn’t really an option because who knows when I’ll get my darn license. I’m just very leery about committing to a car when three people I know got into rather nasty car accidents already this year and it’s just March now!

I despise cars, I’ll be frank here. I think too many people own them, but too few drive them well. Malaysians don’t think about the costs to the environment every time they drive. Look at global warming, for pete’s sake, how the weather is screwy and wildlife is suffering. Look at the traffic jams, the motorists dying in perfectly preventable accidents (like, not driving like an idiot). But in Malaysia, I’m seen as a fool for choosing consciously not to drive.

Why should I support a car industry that thrives on selling overpriced, poorly made cars?
Why should I add another vehicle to the already congested roads?
Why should I be another person using fossil fuels and contributing to the environment’s deterioration?

I’m going to learn to drive but I’m going to try and figure out a way to still survive without a car. A moped? Cycling? Combining either with trains?

Gandhi said that we must be the change we want to see in the world. I want to see less damn cars. Less idiots. Safer roads. Let’s see if I hold to that resolution.